Moving blogs

Feeling like I need to start fresh, and having very little areas in which I can actually do that, I started a new blog. This one will still exist, but any new content will now be here: Two Plus Five. If you get bored, go for a read.

Where there is life there is laughter

I am no longer one who frequently smiles and laughs. Over the past two years, the foundation of all I believe has been rocked to its core. Questions, doubts, uncertainty and confusion have swallowed my existence. It's paralyzed me in a way I never could have imagined. I've struggled with people who claim to know God, but live like they've never met Him; people who claim to know God and believe that doing anything other than evangelizing will send you to hell; and people who completely ignore God, yet, are some the most kind, loving and generous humans I know. It's been a very difficult road trying to find the absolute truth when everyone is certain that their interpretation is the right one.

All of this has thrown me into a darkness I've never experienced before. It's been months since I've had substantial religious influence. In a last ditch effort to salvage some part of my spirituality, I unplugged from most things related to Christianity. But the intense gloom has remained. I'm a walking cloud of negative energy. Some of the people I've encountered the past year would actually applaud my exemption from such frivolous behavior like laughter and smiling. I recall one woman saying that she admired a man because the older he gets, the more serious he becomes because he sees how fleeting all of this is. I was nauseous. But when you're surrounded by people who believe that way, you begin to question every smirk, every grin or lighthearted pleasure. I wondered if sitting and coloring with my babies was a horrible waste of time since I could be doing something more profound, like praying or reading my Bible. But the more I was exposed to that type of Christianity, the less I wanted anything to do with my Bible or my God.

The questions have been relentless, the confusion immense. But I'm beginning to feel like He's finally pulling me from this tangled web of twisted theology and doctrine. "Come back to the basics, come back to me and I'll rebuild your house with an all true, absolute foundation." Not sure how long it'll take for me to feel life-like again, but I was blessed with this little tidbit about laughter, from JR Miller:

"Laughter has its place in every wholesome, healthy, holy life. The man who never smiles--is morbid! He has lost the joy chords out of his life...He has accustomed himself so long to sadness--that the muscles of his face have become set in hard, fixed lines--and cannot relax themselves. His thoughts of life are gloomy--and the gloom has entered his soul and darkened his eyes! Where there is no laughter--all evil nests. Demons do not laugh! The man who never laughs must not blame his fellows if they think there is something wrong with his life, something dark within."

Just reading that makes me smile. And it feels good. It feels really, really good.

There's no such thing

"God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing." C.S. Lewis

Too often, I'll find myself engaged in an argument with my husband, proving all the reasons why what he does or doesn't do adds strife to my existence. He tells me my faults, I reiterate his, and we both agree that there is something gravely wrong. Neither one of us ever seems to know why it is we can't change. Occasionally, we've written out an attack plan of sorts, a road map for how we hope to get ourselves out of this mess. We may make good on those plans for a day or two at the most. But inevitably, we always end up right back where we started, if not worse. When you make a grand plan and can't execute it, you add an additional failure to your list. You continue to feel defeated, hopeless and lonely. You hit rock bottom, make a new plan and the cycle continues endlessly.

A wise man once that said you need to stop trying to change people. If you point people to Christ, and they begin to love Him, change will naturally occur. Yes, Jeremy and I are Christians. We believe wholeheartedly what the Bible says. But we don't live it. We haven't let those truths soak into our souls. I can't love him the way the Lord has commanded me to, because I'm not focused on Christ. My eyes are only on Jeremy and his faults. For the same reason, he can't love me the way he was created too. We have taken our eyes off of our first Love, and have ceased falling more in love with Christ. So our marriage is then stripped down to two, rebellious sinners, trying to love each other in a way that is impossible apart from the love of the Lord. Without Him, I can't be a wife who looks well after her household, respects her husband and raises her children well. Jeremy can't be sensitive to my dreams, love me with delicacy and sacrifice, if all he can see are my shortcomings.

We can make all the grand plans in the world, read every book on marriage and family, attend conference after retreat after seminar. Yet, if our number one reason for breathing isn't to fall more in love with Jesus, all those efforts are in vain. There's no such thing as peace and happiness apart from Him. We will continually find ourselves at the bottom of a very miserable, lonely well. It is by His grace alone that we remain married. Through His loving kindness, He has planted in both of us a desire to stay. No matter how grim things appear, or how dark the words that leave our lips, we both stay. Neither one of us wants the other to go anywhere. That is NOT a product of human will, but of continual, God ordained intervention. I pray the Lord awaken in me a desire to pursue Him above all other things. His word promises that when this happens, everything else will be added unto me. (Matt. 6:33)

It's okay to NOT be okay

We attended a marriage retreat organized by Austin Stone Community Church in May. I was greatly encouraged by the couple that led the weekend. They'd been married 19 years but were going through a trying time and struggling to connect. What struck me was that even though things weren't incredible between them, they were still very affectionate and loving toward one another. They weren't waiting until their issues were resolved to start loving.

We were given a wealth of information over that weekend. We attempted to put into practice some of that upon our return to reality, but we failed miserably. Our priorities have been skewed and the ripple effect it's had on our family has been enormous. Years of unresolved pre-marriage baggage and a decade of erroneous habits finally caught up with us. I've been walking through some very dark times, and the thought of trying to fix "us" has been overwhelming. I was sick of what we'd morphed into over the last 11 years and I had little desire to move toward change. Then I remembered the couple from that retreat mentioned they were in marriage counseling. Since we had no idea what else to do we decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. We went for 4 weeks but realized that the direction the counselor was going was different than what we needed and desired. However, it did get us moving toward resolution and unity. Some people say that half the battle is making a decision about something. But that has never proved true for me. Even after we both vowed that 'divorce is NEVER an option,' our marriage remained in a very poor and fragile state of disrepair. Decisions alone DON'T move.

I found the materials we were given at the retreat and ordered a couple of books that were recommended. I thrive with organized outlines and formats, so the first book is a methodical 16-week look at marital intimacy. It's complete with worksheets and questionnaires which I also enjoy. The second book, written by the same authors, is a daily devotional which takes you through 52 marital topics, one per week. We've committed to spending time daily using the devotional, and more in depth time weekly to go through the 16-week course addressing deeper issues.

We're excited to begin rebuilding our relationship with the Lord, each other and our babies. It's okay to NOT be okay, but move beyond a mere thought. Move toward action, because only through action does revolutionary change begin.

The question every man dreads

I've often asked my husband why he loves me. It's always quite humorous to observe his shifty eyes and nervous twitch. In all the years I've asked that ridiculous question, he never has given me an acceptable answer. I always dreamed of an organized list that oozed with the glorious things he admired about me. It needed to list every intricate detail of who I am, what I do, how I think and how all of those things are perfect, wonderful and worthy of his faithful devotion. I wanted my ego and pride puffed up by my husband.

Last week, I had one of those "poor me, my husband doesn't study me enough," pity parties. I jotted down some irrational and dramatic thoughts on a sheet of paper. One line read, "what exactly does he love anyways, when he disregards everything that I am??" As soon as I wrote it, the Lord was very quick to ask me why I loved my husband. He was asking me to give my list of wonderful things that cause me to love this man. My mind was struggling to find a specific list of attributes I deemed lovable. Then I started thinking and sharing my list with the Lord....well, he makes me laugh. "Okay, that's a nice trait in a spouse. But what happens when you stop laughing, or he stops being funny?" Hm. Well, he's a great Father to the kids. "Alright, but what happens on those days when he slips and fails as a dad?" Well, we are great at communication and we can talk for hours! "That truly is a blessing, but what happens when you go through periods where communication is poor and you just can't seem to connect? Then what?"

Then it finally hit me. God doesn't love me for a long list of wonderful traits or strengths. He doesn't love me because I've done something to deserve that love or earn that love. He loves me simply because I'm His. If I love my husband for a specific reason, then I'll stop loving him when that reason fades. Love like that is certainly not faithful or devoted, but instead can turn with the tide. So, I should love my husband because he belongs to me, and he should love me because I belong to him. He can't do anything to earn it, and he'll never be deemed undeserving. What freedom and joy comes from truly loving minus any conditions. "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." Song of Solomon 6:3 If it's enough for the Lord, then it's definitely enough for me.

A torch to an ice cube

I've been studying Acts for a couple of weeks, and although I'm certain I've read it before, the Lord has been so gracious to reveal some incredible truths this time around. That's why my Bible will never get old; new facets of the same truth applied to familiar texts.

In Acts 26, Paul gives his testimony to King Agrippa. He says that Jesus told him "it is hard for you to kick against the goads." A goad is a tool used to spur or guide livestock. The more they fight against it, the deeper it goes, the more painful it is. When I resist the will of the Lord, the consequences are always rather painful. The more I refuse, the uglier the situation becomes. I see this most often exhibited in my marriage. If I've been wronged, my initial response is to retaliate. My tendency is to go to an extreme. During these time when my mind becomes cloudy and filled with confusing emotions, I always, ALWAYS hear the Lord speaking softly to me. "Stop. Take a deep breath. You love this man, this man I've given you. Yes, he's hurt you. But love him. Love him in return, don't hurt him in return. Bring your pain to me, not him. He can't fix it, but I can." But I want to hold on to the pain sometimes. I feel like I'm entitled to my tantrum, that I deserve to have my every single feeling revealed to this man. But the Lord tells me to cast my burdens on the Him, for He will sustain me (Psalm 55:22). He never says that humans have the ability to sustain anyone. Only He can do that.

When I resist His voice, and kick against the "goads" things deteriorate quickly. My heart begins to build a wall against my husband, and thoughts flood in as to why he is undeserving of my love. That's just gross and sinful. So, I repent, and ask the Lord to give me a heart that yields to His will. And I am amazed and so grateful at how quickly He rescues me from my terrible choices. The Lord can melt an offended heart like nothing else on earth. In an instant, all resentment and bitterness is gone; any wall that was constructed is destroyed. It's like He took a torch to an ice cube. He gives me a renewed heart and mind, and reminds me to bring any offenses to Him. He fills my soul with an unquenchable love for Him and for Jeremy. My husband is not my therapist and he's certainly not my God. How shameful of me to expect him to be sometimes. Praying I can stop resisting when I hear His voice. Because ultimately, His will cannot be refused and I will come around. Thankfully, I get to play a small part in just how painful of a process that's going to be.

Think about sorrow

No one likes to ponder future anguish. But I've recently be learning that it can actually be quite beneficial. I'm not talking about playing the paranoid 'what if' game. I'm talking about the pain and agony that will inevitably find each and every one of us. People die, loved ones get sick, plans blow up in our faces, life is painful. I used to believe that avoiding these thoughts would somehow better my chances of getting through life unscathed. The thing is, suffering shows no partiality.

I've started to see how facing that truth actually enables me to prepare. What can I do now, during this blissful season of life, to prepare for future sorrow? How am I strengthening my soul so that when tragedy comes I am not shaken? The Lord promises to be enough during any affliction, but am I earnestly pursuing Him completely, today? Am I immersing myself in His Word and His promises? Now is the time to absorb as much of Him as I can, so that I have something to draw from when my time comes. I have seen the Lord prepare hearts years in advance of a catastrophe. If I ask Him to, He will begin to equip me now. I want to suffer well because Jesus suffered well. It's imperative that my roots run deep so that when the earth beneath my feet gives way, I'm still anchored.

I've also received a new perspective on happiness. I read a blog post from Molly Piper last week, here. She says she used to be "happy" before she lost her daughter almost 2 years ago. While she still finds joy in the Lord and His faithfulness, she is not as carefree as before. Molly was forever changed after that loss. If I can realize that joy can be constant, yet happiness temporary, small things won't matter. I am happy right now and I should rejoice in this cheerful time. Praise the Lord that I can be carefree today! I should devour and savor every blissful morsel of this time, for I never know when it'll instantly shift and I will immediately change. If I can remember that, then it's going to take a LOT more to disrupt my mood. Those minor annoyances and irritations that I've let snowball into full blown misery won't make a dent. I'd hate to see how many hours of my life I've been unhappy by my own choosing.

This is a calm, happy season of my life, and I am humbly thankful. It's the perfect time to chase after the Lord harder and to beg Him to begin preparing me for what lies ahead. I pray He'll strengthen and grow me to be so entwined in Him, that nothing will cause me to waver. I pray He'll give me the ability to richly appreciate this sunny moment, for its memory will be sweet to my soul during times of distress. His faithfulness will carry me through the darkest of days. I want Him to be enough. He will be enough.

Just trust me

My babies are both in love with and terrified of the water. If they could swim 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, they would. However, the sheer excitement and giddiness would be mixed with occasional terror filled screams and screeches.

We were able to spend some more time with their auntie, Shauna, before she flew back to Michigan yesterday. We met at her hotel for an early morning swim. All my babies still have to wear floaties, but I'm so anxious for them to be able to swim without them. I really wanted them to at least try and float yesterday. One by one I took them in my arms and instructed them how to lay on their backs in the water. "No, no, no, I can't, I'll drown!" I tried my best to reassure them that they could trust me, I was right there, I would not let go and they would not drown. But not one of them could do it. Their necks never would release and allow their heads to float on the water. I stood there a little bit baffled by it all. I mean, I am their mother. If I say trust me, shouldn't they be able to trust me with anything? I started to wonder if this was a sign that I was failing somewhere, but the Lord quickly redirected my thoughts. "Crystal, you do this with Me." I think I actually started to laugh a bit, but then realized that He was right. My goodness, how many times have I kicked and fought and screamed in a situation, trying my hardest to control every aspect of it? He tells me that I can trust Him, that He is right there and that He won't let go. The water may rise above my chin and even flow into my mouth, but He will not let me drown. But most of the time, I don't believe Him. "Those are just your promises, I need something more secure, more certain, more tangible!"

I felt bad for the babies because their fear really kept them from the joy they could have experienced had they simply trusted me. They would have been able to enjoy safely floating in the comfort of my secure and loving arms. It really made me wonder what I've missed out on because I was too afraid of drowning to truly trust Him. If I was 100% certain of my ability to protect them, how much more should I be confident when the Lord tells me the same? I pray He give me the ability to fully and completely rest in His secure and loving arms.

We're all tired

I've never met anyone who didn't complain about their level of exhaustion. It seems like everyone is tired these days. I wonder if that's the way it's always been, or if that burden has increased during these hectic, super charged days we live now. I know it's the first complaint you'll hear from my lips, and I've grown weary of it. Even my doctor says it's because I'm a mom with 4 babies. But, I don't know if I believe that anymore. The Lord so incredibly created our bodies. He did only give us one, though. I know the importance of taking care of my soul and how vital it is to my existence. But I horribly neglect taking care of this one body He's loaned to me. I don't get enough sleep, don't drink enough water, don't eat enough produce, don't exercise at all, don't discern what goes in as much as I should. He calls us to be good stewards of everything, not just our finances, personal belongings, or the earth. When I'm tired, my whole home is tired. Everyone can sense the ongoing feeling of energy being drained from their bones. It's contagious. The house gets neglected, the babies get neglected, my man gets neglected, and there's no way I can be a faithful witness to the glories of God when I look like I haven't slept in 4 weeks. I heard a great line in a song the other day; "if you really want to move, you've got to get moving." Simple concept. I'm tired of waiting for some magical instantaneous cure all. I'm not going to stumble into a close relationship with the Lord, a God-glorifying marriage, a deep connection with my babies or a healthy, non-exhausted me. All things worth anything take intentionality. I pray the Lord give me the motivation that only He can give. That's when things will really start to get interesting.

The swapping of “have”

Jeremy and I went to a marriage retreat this past weekend put on by Austin Stone. I can’t even begin to describe the vast amount of spiritual and practical wisdom I gained from attending. I hope to be able to share portions of that over time, because it was just-that-good! Even before Jeremy and I were married, I had some idea of my role as his partner. We almost split before exchanging our vows, but I remember that something or someone was telling me not to go. I vividly remember looking at him as I prepared to give him my last goodbye. I couldn’t do it. I specifically heard “you have to take care of this man.” I wasn’t sure why, certainly didn’t desire to do so, but begrudgingly accepted that statement and moved forward. Through the years, the Lord has revealed more details about my role as Jeremy’s wife. Each time I’ve met a hard truth, I’ve viewed it with the same resentment, “I have to submit to this man….I have to fulfill his needs….I have to be gentle and quiet….I have to be his helper…” etc. But the Lord will not rest with me fulfilling my role as a wife begrudgingly. He has begun to show me an entirely new perspective in regards to my calling. This past weekend, I began to realize what He’s been doing. My dark heart was screaming, “I have to take care of this man!” But the Lord has given my heart a new song. It now sings, “I get to take care of this man!” My, how things sound so different with the swapping of “have” for “get.” God has given me such a precious blessing as Jeremy’s wife. I’ve been so selfishly blind to that truth for far too long. I am so grateful the Lord took the time to flip the switch of my bitter heart. I pray He continues to do so fervently.